Been a While...

I havent blogged in a while. No reason in particular. Nothing has changed really. I was just asked what 5 days would I like to revisit in life if I could. All five I named were regrets. No fun times that I'd love to relive. I've traveled, have two children in sports and all sorts of things. A big family and I can't think of one time in my life where I had a knee slapping good time and I'd like to experience it again. What an epiphany. What have I been doing with myself? Not alive but just living. I have to change this somehow. I've been asking around for therapist suggestions. I'd love to lay on someones couch an hour once a week and release. I'm so overwhelmed and emotionally handicapped its ridiculous. I have no direction, I need something. I feel like I'm at peace but am I really? I'm currently sleeping with a married man I work with. Every other single man I meet I run them off. They seem to be odd balls and I'm short tempered with them, but when I look at things from a different angle, for some reason I dont want to be loved. Sex will carry me. I need to change this. I need to change this.

Too Strong

I've had to be strong all my life to endure things I've gone through. Being a single parent to two boys I have to be strong. To work in a male dominated field I have to be strong. My life forces me to be strong, sometimes too strong. I'd like to take a backseat one day and observe. I'd like to know what it feels like to co-parent, not to have all the burden on me. I'd like to know how it feels for my husband to pay half the bills or just one bill. Or take my car to the mechanic. Or grocery shop. I do it all.. and a weak woman couldnt handle it but sometimes I'm too strong.

I want to learn to not be so aggressive in life so when help does come along I know how to accept it. I've been on my own for a long time and I can admit to myself, quietly, that I'm tired. I want to not answer my phone through the week or something. I want a break from the world. How would life be without Joy for a week? I want to be out of reach, unavailable. But if I do it, the following week I will have alot of explaining to do so is it worth it. Sigh. Just a little overwhelmed these days.....

Constantly

When my sun don't shine, You Give me Peace of Mind....
I woke up this Saturday morning feeling good. I'm always chipper and a morning person but this particular morning I felt the Power of God over my life. I've come so far in my journey of life and my children have too. One day I will share my testimony of single parenthood with hundreds of young mothers, sharing with them how God can do anything. Both my sons were prescribed medication to make it through their simple daily tasks. And as a uneducated single mother I went along with it. But one day, a clear sunny day something like it is today, God spoke to me. "Let those boys be," he said. I decided to TRUST HIM. I threw all the medicine away and prayed. Its been a year and my kids are as normal as could be. They've grown in so many ways, physically, mentally and spiritually. It takes more work on my part, but its not impossible. And this testimony is just one of many my kids and I have faced on our journey. Great things are ahead for my boys, God also told me that. Thats why I constantly thank him for blessing me.  :)

Is It Spring Yet?

I swear to never ever ever complain about warm, hot or chilly weather. I despise the winter. I'm ready for this snow to dis.ap.pear. I work long hours in the winter so my whole life is turned sideways, my house is a wreck, my diet is screwed and my sleep, oh my poor friend sleep has abandoned me. I'm getting two-four hours of sleep a day/night this winter. News reports say this is the worst winter in decades. But good news came yesterday, when the groundhog seen his shadow! Which of course is suppose to mean Spring will be here early. I'm keeping my hopes up because I's tired yaw. <3

Learning How To Be A Friend

I've always seen the worst in people. If they werent like me, I'd distance myself from them. I raised myself in many ways so alot of things about life I'm learning late, but better late than never. I had a best friend in high school and shes still in my life today. Over the years, she'd say or do something I didnt like and i wouldnt call her for months. She never done anything to hurt me intentionally, we just had different views on life and I couldnt understand how I could be friends with someone so different.
I work alot of overtime in the winter and just so happens my friend from high schools son attends the same school my sons attend. She called me and said the boys could spend the night and she'd take them to school whenever I needed her. No one has ever jumped to my rescue like that, they probably would have but I never wanted to be bothered with anybody. Her gesture showed me what a true friend is. She had asked me a couple times last year to watch her kids and I made up some silly reason why I couldnt because I didnt want to. And she comes out the blue to help me after the way I treated her. A real friend. She's been here all this time and I've totally ignored her, til now.
She is a single mother of two, just like me. She has put herself through college and will be graduating soon. She is a phenonemal woman of God. I've watched her kids a few times this year as a favor and I didnt think twice about it. We are planning a summer vacation to California with her other sisters to visit her brother in June. I'm excited. I'm learning to open myself to love. I'm grateful she didnt turn her back on me like I did her. I've learned a true lesson in friendship.

Stuck ....Again

This book is driving me INsane! I'm writing my first book and I'm stuck. I wanted to write about my life, the struggles, ups and downs, trials and tribulations, finding me. I've written maybe 7 chapters, but I cant help to wonder, who cares. Should my first book be more of a fiction, action, thriller? To capture my audience, then follow with my biography? I keep telling myself to go ahead and finish this book since I've started, but I can't ignore this feeling of uncertainty. Hmmmm.