Been a While...

I havent blogged in a while. No reason in particular. Nothing has changed really. I was just asked what 5 days would I like to revisit in life if I could. All five I named were regrets. No fun times that I'd love to relive. I've traveled, have two children in sports and all sorts of things. A big family and I can't think of one time in my life where I had a knee slapping good time and I'd like to experience it again. What an epiphany. What have I been doing with myself? Not alive but just living. I have to change this somehow. I've been asking around for therapist suggestions. I'd love to lay on someones couch an hour once a week and release. I'm so overwhelmed and emotionally handicapped its ridiculous. I have no direction, I need something. I feel like I'm at peace but am I really? I'm currently sleeping with a married man I work with. Every other single man I meet I run them off. They seem to be odd balls and I'm short tempered with them, but when I look at things from a different angle, for some reason I dont want to be loved. Sex will carry me. I need to change this. I need to change this.