Goals for 2011

I never make 'resolutions' I like goals better. I set a few goals last year and completed most. I'm happy with that but this is a serious year. I'm thirty years old and need to get some things accomplished. Here is what I will do next year and not necessarily in this order:

1. Run a marathon

2. Publish my first book

3. Take my kids on their first plane ride (my youngest has flown, yes flown, a private plane with an instructor but this will be our first family plane ride)

4. Spend more time with my mother (I cringed as I type that, this will be the hardest task but it is a goal I'm setting for myself)

5. Be apart of a team. I'm interested in volleyball or tennis I plan to sign up at the Y

6. Join Church. I've never in my 30 years belonged to a church. I recently found a church that I truly enjoy and this has never happened. Hopefully in 2011 I can call it home.

7. Stop Cussing. This is HUGE for me. I have a horrible horrible mouth and I know I can do it because I contain it when I want.

That about sums it up! Hello 2011!!!

"The Miserable Have No Other Medicine, but Hope." William Shakespeare

I love to write. I had an ephiany when I read my last novel, "Life Beyond a Miserable Child" I decided to write my life story. While writing, I became stuck, this was back in November and I haven't written since. My story is mine, but it involves decisions that my parents made, I made and close friends that I didn't want to come back and haunt them. Did I really want my children to know the awful things I've done in life? Will my story stop my father from reaching his political goals? Several questions like these invaded me and stopped me dead in my tracks.

One evening I was watching my idol, Oprah Winfrey, and she said something profound. Whenever youre trying to make a decision, know your purpose, then everything will become clear. Ah ha moment.  I thought, what is my purpose for this book?  Is it to free myself? To help other struggling young girls with no hope? Single mothers? To show what I've come from and made of myself?

Struggling young girls with no hope. Thats my purpose and thats what I will keep in mind while writing.... With God's help I pray my book will be published in 2011 and it fullfills the purpose intended. Hope.

Sex Doesn't Equal Relationship ...Lesson for a 30year Old

I shouldve know better but I fell for the game, or did I? Upon meeting my sons mentor, I had no urge or sexual feelings toward him. He is actally not my type at all. As time went on and conversations grew on me, I became attracted to him. I love his personality and akward humor. He is 3 almost 4 years younger than me...I've never 'dated' anyone younger than me so I thought this would be fun. All of a sudden he began flirting with me and I loved it. I hadn't had sex in maybe 6mths so I was beyond horny but I knew this was a thin line to cross because of the relationship he had with my son. The mentor would text me flirtly messages and would ask me if he could come see me. I declined determined to keep it professional as long as I could, especially after he told me he was not interested in a relationship at all. Everytime I seen him, he'd ask to 'come over and tuck me in' or he'd tell me how cute I was....One day after my sons football game he text me and said he couldnt stop thinking about me and how beautiful he thought I was and if he could come by and watch a movie. I knew he could care less about a movie but I invited him over. We had known each other almost 3 months. He came over and we had sex. I loved it. I text him the next day and he responded hours later.... no big deal I thought. I assumed he would text me and tell me how much he enjoyed it and wanted to spend more time with me. Ha! Nope. Its been about 6 weeks since then and we've had sex a few times since...he hasnt taken me on a date and I'm lucky if he responds to my texts the same day. He doesnt care about my interest, I havent heard the words or seen the text 'beautiful' since he got what he wanted. No flowers, no movies, no long conversations, just sex. He told me he had no interest in a relationship but I thought if I had sex with him he'd change his mind. Ha. How childish was that?  Hes not interested in any of that. I asked him to take me to the movies a month ago he said ok but he never did.  He calls or texts when he wants. This is totally unlike me. I have to take my power back. Its funny because I've said I was taking my power back from him once or twice before and the last time he text and asked to come over I quickly said YES and he text back later and said he couldnt make it. Wow. Imagine that feeling. So yea, I'm threw. I'm worth so much more, how I got in this tangled web is beyond me. He clearly told me he didnt want a girlfriend but for some reason it didnt register. I played myself....but its not to late to regain myself. Thanks for listening.

Gratefulness

Later today, I meet the single mother that I decided to adopt her son for Christmas. Giving gives me a undescribable feeling. Up until last Christmas, I have to admit I was a taker. Last year, I moved out of my ex fiances house to my own apartment. I didnt have anything but I moved around tax time and bought furniture and necessities. When Christmas came around all I had was money for bills. I reached out to a certain website and they overloaded my kids and I with gifts. I never knew people could be so kind to someone they never met or knew nothing about. I had never reached out for help but decided to give it a try. They donated food, gifts for me and ask specifically what my children wanted and delivered just that. That event changed my life. From that day foward, I wanted to give someone the feeling I had that day. So I decided this Christmas would be it. I reached out to a friend and asked if she knew anyone in need. She suggested a single mom who worked 3 jobs, with one five year old son. I gladly took them on. I took my kids along with me for the shopping trip and explained to them what we were doing, paying it foward. They had no idea that strangers made their Christmas happen the year before but they understood what I was doing. Christmas is not the only way we plan to give back, I have big things planned for next year. 2011 the year of giving.

The Two Extremes

I have two sons, ages 8 and 10. Cameron, My 8 year old is loud, wild, troublemaker. Curtis, My 10 year old is sweet, talkative and caring, childish. Cameron gets into trouble from time to time at school, Curtis never. Cameron huffs and puffs when given directions, Curtis loves directions and helping. Curtis outlook is positive Camerons negative. If I could describe my children to you, I'd call them Steve Urkel and Mike Tyson. I have yet to learn how to balance these personalities. After a stressful call from Camerons teacher its hard for me to transition my mind to the joy of Curtis' day. Of course I ask him but my mind is elsewhere. Its on how can I change this boys attitude (Cameron) I've come to realize how I'm giving Cameron SO MUCH attention and because Curtis can handle himself, he gets little to none. I have yet to figure out how to deal with these extremes and keep my sanity, but I'm working towards that. I've decided to take Curtis to Toy Story on Ice in January. Him and I have never been on an outing alone and I know we'll both enjoy it. So I'm learning as I go and I hope its not to late to show Curtis that he's just as important as Cameron even though I may not show it enough. Starting 2011, we will have alone time, both boys so I can give them the individual attention they crave.

Why Am I So Angry?

Today I realized how angry I am with life. I come to work already knowing who I'm going to speak to and who I'm not. Who I will smile at and who I won't. I already know I will have to sneak and eat my snicker bar because my co-worker asks for a piece of anything he sees. I will give the boss a fake smile, rush through my day only to pick up my children with a hidden frown. I'm sad because when I pick my children up, my second job starts. I go home cook and clean and play teacher for at least 2 hours while they question me about every other question on their homework. I have no friends to call and release my frustration to because I've isolated myself. So my phone doesnt ring unless its my parents and half the time I dont answer. After breaking up fights and picking up what I've already picked up, bath time, reading time, bed time. No me time. What is me time? How can I get a little enjoyment out of my day? I figured it out today. By being loving. Tomorrow I will speak to everyone with a geniune smile. I will try to utilize my YMCA membership more frequently...I could always get a 30 min workout in before the boys need picked up. That will definetly refresh me. Pick up my boys and leave the frustration with Yesterday. Take my time with them and their homework, make evenings at home light instead of tense. After they go to bed, I will read a chapter of one of my unfinished books. Pray. Then my bedtime. I've gone through life angry with the decisions I've made and the burden is far to heavy to carry. Ive buried the burden with this post. I know tomorrow will be better because I'm shaping my day the right way. Epiphany.

I think I know why I'm lonely

Yesterday I seen an old friend that I had dated. We reconnected about a year ago but his conversation was bland and I was turned off by him not having his 'life' in order. He told me he was in barber school and had been laid off because of an ankle injury. Immediately a red flag went up that he was a slouch. So I never called him again and ignored his calls. Chatting with him yesterday I found out he was engaged and just had a baby. He is one of the most handsome men I've dated and I couldnt help but think, why did I let him go? The guy I dated last, Joe, sort of forced himself on me. He was too clingy and this really irritated me. He was recently divorced and living in an apartment behind his Pastors house, he had a decent job though and cut hair on the side. I tried talking to him about his clinginess but he seemed unmoved by it, and I always felt like he wanted to rush and live with me because he had no real place of his own, so I stopped calling him and eventually had to tell him I was over it. He also has moved on and been with the same girl for at least 6 months. Why are these men moving on to decent relationships but I'm still in the same space of loneliness? I havent been in a relationship in 2 years and after about 2-3 phone conversations I find something annoying about the guy. I talked to a male friend about this today and he told me I needed to grow up and give people a chance or I'll never have a relationship. He said I shoed men off like a teenage girl and no one is perfect. The talk today really helped me. I'm far from perfect, I dont have a career, I take care of my children solely on my own, i dont own a home, nor have I bought my first house, and my credit is eh...ify so for a man to accept me he'd have to accept flaws and all, I wasn't willing to do that. But now, I will go the extra mile instead of searching for a knight in shining armour, I will use patience and seek a man capable of being a knight :)