Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My mother
I'm not a jealous person by far, but one thing I admit that I'm jealous of is mother/daughter relationships. I don't remember my mother and I ever being close. I know as a child I was bad and she had many troubles with me, but as I look back I believe it was because of the lack of love I received from her. Our relationship had me off balance in a lot of ways. My mother was never supportive. I remember like it was yesterday, studying for the 4th grade Spelling Bee. I loved to spell and I took it upon myself to enter the contest. I was so excited. I got up on stage and noticed only my aunt and grandmother were there. Its crazy because that scene amoung others have stayed with me throughout my life. Everything positive I've done with my life since a elementary kid, I took the initiative. I was never pushed or encouraged. Today I'm thirty years old and our relationship is the same. Disappointment after disappointment. I'm an only child so I try to hang on to hope that she'll come around. I made a goal to be the bigger person and spend more time with her, but I've changed my mind. I have so many things going on in my life I've decided to let the bad go. I wished things were different, I'd love to have a mother, my kids would love to have a grandmother. And she isnt all that bad. She has low self esteem and has been depressed most of her life. I've reached out to her and tried to encourage her and tell her about God and how he can work miracles, but she hasnt budged. Our conversations are fake and draining and Im tired of it. My best friend said I should sit down and talk to her about how I feel but I think its useless. She is who she is and if I took that huge step and she shut me down as always, I might hate her. So I'll leave it as it is. Casual convos here and there. I will continue to pray for her because I have no more energy for her.
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