Been a While...

I havent blogged in a while. No reason in particular. Nothing has changed really. I was just asked what 5 days would I like to revisit in life if I could. All five I named were regrets. No fun times that I'd love to relive. I've traveled, have two children in sports and all sorts of things. A big family and I can't think of one time in my life where I had a knee slapping good time and I'd like to experience it again. What an epiphany. What have I been doing with myself? Not alive but just living. I have to change this somehow. I've been asking around for therapist suggestions. I'd love to lay on someones couch an hour once a week and release. I'm so overwhelmed and emotionally handicapped its ridiculous. I have no direction, I need something. I feel like I'm at peace but am I really? I'm currently sleeping with a married man I work with. Every other single man I meet I run them off. They seem to be odd balls and I'm short tempered with them, but when I look at things from a different angle, for some reason I dont want to be loved. Sex will carry me. I need to change this. I need to change this.

Too Strong

I've had to be strong all my life to endure things I've gone through. Being a single parent to two boys I have to be strong. To work in a male dominated field I have to be strong. My life forces me to be strong, sometimes too strong. I'd like to take a backseat one day and observe. I'd like to know what it feels like to co-parent, not to have all the burden on me. I'd like to know how it feels for my husband to pay half the bills or just one bill. Or take my car to the mechanic. Or grocery shop. I do it all.. and a weak woman couldnt handle it but sometimes I'm too strong.

I want to learn to not be so aggressive in life so when help does come along I know how to accept it. I've been on my own for a long time and I can admit to myself, quietly, that I'm tired. I want to not answer my phone through the week or something. I want a break from the world. How would life be without Joy for a week? I want to be out of reach, unavailable. But if I do it, the following week I will have alot of explaining to do so is it worth it. Sigh. Just a little overwhelmed these days.....

Constantly

When my sun don't shine, You Give me Peace of Mind....
I woke up this Saturday morning feeling good. I'm always chipper and a morning person but this particular morning I felt the Power of God over my life. I've come so far in my journey of life and my children have too. One day I will share my testimony of single parenthood with hundreds of young mothers, sharing with them how God can do anything. Both my sons were prescribed medication to make it through their simple daily tasks. And as a uneducated single mother I went along with it. But one day, a clear sunny day something like it is today, God spoke to me. "Let those boys be," he said. I decided to TRUST HIM. I threw all the medicine away and prayed. Its been a year and my kids are as normal as could be. They've grown in so many ways, physically, mentally and spiritually. It takes more work on my part, but its not impossible. And this testimony is just one of many my kids and I have faced on our journey. Great things are ahead for my boys, God also told me that. Thats why I constantly thank him for blessing me.  :)

Is It Spring Yet?

I swear to never ever ever complain about warm, hot or chilly weather. I despise the winter. I'm ready for this snow to dis.ap.pear. I work long hours in the winter so my whole life is turned sideways, my house is a wreck, my diet is screwed and my sleep, oh my poor friend sleep has abandoned me. I'm getting two-four hours of sleep a day/night this winter. News reports say this is the worst winter in decades. But good news came yesterday, when the groundhog seen his shadow! Which of course is suppose to mean Spring will be here early. I'm keeping my hopes up because I's tired yaw. <3

Learning How To Be A Friend

I've always seen the worst in people. If they werent like me, I'd distance myself from them. I raised myself in many ways so alot of things about life I'm learning late, but better late than never. I had a best friend in high school and shes still in my life today. Over the years, she'd say or do something I didnt like and i wouldnt call her for months. She never done anything to hurt me intentionally, we just had different views on life and I couldnt understand how I could be friends with someone so different.
I work alot of overtime in the winter and just so happens my friend from high schools son attends the same school my sons attend. She called me and said the boys could spend the night and she'd take them to school whenever I needed her. No one has ever jumped to my rescue like that, they probably would have but I never wanted to be bothered with anybody. Her gesture showed me what a true friend is. She had asked me a couple times last year to watch her kids and I made up some silly reason why I couldnt because I didnt want to. And she comes out the blue to help me after the way I treated her. A real friend. She's been here all this time and I've totally ignored her, til now.
She is a single mother of two, just like me. She has put herself through college and will be graduating soon. She is a phenonemal woman of God. I've watched her kids a few times this year as a favor and I didnt think twice about it. We are planning a summer vacation to California with her other sisters to visit her brother in June. I'm excited. I'm learning to open myself to love. I'm grateful she didnt turn her back on me like I did her. I've learned a true lesson in friendship.

Stuck ....Again

This book is driving me INsane! I'm writing my first book and I'm stuck. I wanted to write about my life, the struggles, ups and downs, trials and tribulations, finding me. I've written maybe 7 chapters, but I cant help to wonder, who cares. Should my first book be more of a fiction, action, thriller? To capture my audience, then follow with my biography? I keep telling myself to go ahead and finish this book since I've started, but I can't ignore this feeling of uncertainty. Hmmmm.

My mother

I'm not a jealous person by far, but one thing I admit that I'm jealous of is mother/daughter relationships. I don't remember my mother and I ever being close. I know as a child I was bad and she had many troubles with me, but as I look back I believe it was because of the lack of love I received from her. Our relationship had me off balance in a lot of ways. My mother was never supportive. I remember like it was yesterday, studying for the 4th grade Spelling Bee. I loved to spell and I took it upon myself to enter the contest. I was so excited. I got up on stage and noticed only my aunt and grandmother were there. Its crazy because that scene amoung others have stayed with me throughout my life. Everything positive I've done with my life since a elementary kid, I took the initiative. I was never pushed or encouraged. Today I'm thirty years old and our relationship is the same. Disappointment after disappointment. I'm an only child so I try to hang on to hope that she'll come around. I made a goal to be the bigger person and spend more time with her, but I've changed my mind. I have so many things going on in my life I've decided to let the bad go.  I wished things were different, I'd love to have a mother, my kids would love to have a grandmother. And she isnt all that bad. She has low self esteem and has been depressed most of her life. I've reached out to her and tried to encourage her and tell her about God and how he can work miracles, but she hasnt budged. Our conversations are fake and draining and Im tired of it. My best friend said I should sit down and talk to her about how I feel but I think its useless. She is who she is and if I took that huge step and she shut me down as always, I might hate her. So I'll leave it as it is. Casual convos here and there. I will continue to pray for her because I have no more energy for her.

How Can I Become Whole?

I have to QUIT! I've been on my job for twelve years. A great job that pays very well and has great benefits. Why leave you ask? Because this is not my destiny. I'm so much bigger than this. I have become comfortable with being comfortable. My father works in the upper part of the company and while his presence is definetly a gift, its also a curse. I'm like a little girl around here, even though I'm 30years old. If I'm late to work, my dad knows. If I argue with a co worker, my dad knows. I have a position through work that I only hold because I feel forced by my father. I want out. I have no college education. I go back and forth with school but because of me having zero family support and working weird winter hours,  I have to constantly quit and put it off. This year I was determined to finish school, but Indiana Weslynn said I owed them $1200 for a class I hadnt even taken. Long story short, they kicked me out until I can repay the funds. *SIGH* So i wonder, what is God's plan for me? Maybe its not meant for me to finish school because I've tried every way but up to finish but something keeps going wrong. I believe my calling is to write, but I want to sit still and think. And Listen. What am I here for? I know for sure its not to drive these trucks around, I've well worn out my welcome here. Hmmmm....

Strength .....

My father has cancer. Only a hand full of people know. My father is my world, besides my aunt I'm not closer to anyone in my life. He raised me and taught me everything I know. I couldn't imagine life without him. I talk to him everyday. He's taking my oldest son, who loves the Colts, to the playoff game Saturday...I couldnt ask for a better father and they couldnt ask for a better grandfather. He starts his radiation today. I can't imagine how scared he must be but he acts as if its just another day. I've thought for weeks what can I do for him, how can I be there for him like he's been for me since I was born. My father is a true man. He's been a daddy since I was born.  I was a pain in the butt but he took me places, preached to me, counseled me and taught me how to stand up for myself. Man. He taught me everything. I get my strength from him. He never complains and always shows love. The true meaning of strength...Pray for us while we are on our toughest journey yet.

I'm Feeling Wings

Ahhhhh I feel sooo alive. So fresh and new. Life is good. I thank God for giving me an optimistic attitude. The only hang up I have is getting rid of cable television. Its been a rough three months. I decided to do it right before football season and totally forgot about Oprahs OWN network starting yesterday. I was tempted to call Comcast, but I won't. I'm on a mission and won't be held down by television programs. I was promoted on my job Thursday. I'm excited to go to work tomorrow, although I've been there 12 yrs I'm feeling re-newed. Went to church today and LOVED it. I want to wait at least another month before I make my decision but New Haven definitley feels like home. I starting back on my book tonight, I can't find anything to complain about or that I wish was better. Of course I'd like a significant other, or would I? I'm so at peace, I do what I want, when I want and how I want which isnt much lol but I'm living on my own terms and I love it. My kids and I are so close I love it. Theyre not perfect but to me they are. I can't wait to see the kind of men they will turn out to be. I'm looking foward to our Spring and Summer trips this year......

Loving Life,
Signed
Joy.